Yeesh

Sooo. Uhh…
Yeah…
To be honest, nothing’s really changed. Still no internet, still no job, still with boyfriend.

I underwent a diagnostics test in November for autism. The therapist said I was in the grey area. Which is really upsetting since I never got the chance when I was growing up.

Man. Does it make me a bad person that I’ve been allowing my past to creep into my memories? Is this a bad thing? I know it’s not a long entry this time, but what do you guys do to deal with it to make sure it doesn’t get you down? I could really use some advice.

 

~Oliver

Advertisements

Oops

Wow. I’m terrible at this blogging thing. I went ll December and almost all January without a single entry. Man, guys. I am so sorry.

I guess I can say a lot of things happened but didn’t last. I got a job in mid-November. After a month and a half, they decided they weren’t going to keep me and let me go. So alas, here I am, back to searching for a job. Again….

So where does that lead me? Desperately begging people to commissioning me so I can make rent this month. And feed myself. And get utilities paid. And everything else on my plate.
Stress, stress, stress.

Guh.

On the ex-girlfriend issue, it didn’t exactly end as planned. After a performing at the end of November, I met a guy (well, trans*guy. Same thing. Different parts for those who are a little confused at my sudden ‘straightness’) and he’s really super sweet. He treats me like a princess and it’s so nice to have someone to care about me again. We started dating on Christmas day (night…Like 11 pm ish). Been over a month since we’ve been together and two months of us talking? Weird shit. That’s for sure.

I got Zombie back from my mom’s and it’s almost like he’s a completely different dog. He’s listening so much more, he settles down in the house instead of running rampant and destroying things. It probably helps that Kriss plays with him to wear him out. Oi. What would I do without that boy. Both boys even.

I DO have good news though. I had been performing at a gay club in Cincinnati and It’s been wonderful to get out there. Tips haven’t been the greatest because I get set to perform like, first or second, but hey. I’m getting out there. Baby steps. Right? I went to another club in Dayton – a bigger one, the Masque. I was offered an opportunity to perform there too!! After visiting the first time (sober), I noticed the tips were better, the crowd was more energetic, and it’s all around good atmosphere. Hopefully this will take me places. /fingers crossed/

I’m way overdue for a visit to my counselor. 2 months or so? I don’t know. It was the week before thanksgiving that I saw her last.
Yeeps. Whoops.

Oh, and my internet is out, so if you guys don’t hear from me (which, I know you probably aren’t expect much from me seeing as I left you guys high ad dry there) all is still well, for the most part.

For now, I’ll have to say goodbye and wish me luck (oh sweet baby Jesus, please wish me luck) at my job hunt. Thank you all, and goodnight (it’s 3:10pm Miyu…. Shut up)

The Parental Grandparent.

I hate this time of year. 

On the 23rd of November in 2004, I lost my Oma, my grandma, to Multiple Meloma. Seeing her fight those final months destroyed me, and yet in my naive mind, I thought she was going to be okay. Shoot. She was my Oma, my strong, independent, unbreakable Oma. She would come out of this. Even when they brought her hospital bed in and she could hardly get up to go to the bathroom anymore, I was convinced that she would get over whatever it was, she would beat cancer, and life would be the same. We’d go back to see the Nutcracker every Christmas (or around Christmas) like we always did. We’d spend summers playing at Cedar Point. She’d come to my graduation and smile and take pictures when I walked across the stage. 

But I came home, Wendesday, November 23rd 2004 to my father standing outside the house and an eerie silence that told me something wasn’t right. 

I still beat myself up to this day. I was so stupid. Why didn’t I realise the extremity that was happening before me? My Oma was my caretaker, provider and mother. She showed me what love was, not just told me. She was always so proud of me. Anything and everything I did. She’d show me off like she had won the Lottery. 

So I’d like to write a letter to those of you who experienced the same pain as me. I can’t speak for your raising when it comes to your legal prentals or biological parentals. I can only speak for me and how it was like losing my Oma. My only parent.

To you, my sweet little ray of sunshine.

The pain you feel, even decades down the road is validated. I know when you look at the world around, people will tell you they lost their grandparents and have no clue how you related. Nor will anyone else understand the connection you had to them. They were everything to you. Your guardian, your mentor, and even down to the most basic role in your life that you should have had – they were your parent. They raised you and taught you about the world. The memories you have with them can never be replaced.

Other people will tell you of their lost grandparent and seem as if it’s a minor loss, therefore they will never understand, truly the loss you’ve experienced. It’s a sad normality of this life. Few will every understand what you experienced. You’ll sit back and miss the fact that you always had that someone by your side that you can rely on. You’ll miss that moment when something good happens, you want to call them and tell them, just to hear them say ‘I’m proud of you!’.

They were always much more than family. They were your best friend. And no matter how far down the road you are, how much you are strong and happy, there will be that little child inside of you that will cry when you really start to sit back and think about how those times had shaped you into the person you are now. Looking for advice won’t quite feel the same when you turn to someone else. They won’t quite speak the same language you and your grandparent could. It won’t settle the same way it would if your grandma or grandpa had told you want to do.

And that’s okay.

Something people need to understand is that nothing is ever going to compare to the nights you spent with them cooking for Thanksgiving dinner or gathering apples and taking the bruised ones to make applesauce. Or even the nights that you sat in Grandpa’s basement or garage and he taught you how to build a birdhouse. Maybe that’s even where you got your love for carpentry or creating things.

No one is ever going to speak the same exact language as you two did. You’ll see the world for what it really is. You’ll love differently than everyone and you’ll always expect the worst. When your mentor passed, you probably didn’t even realise the severity of the situation nor the impact it would have on the rest of your life. Sometimes you might even question the memories you have if you were too young to understand.

Don’t beat yourself up over the past. You did what you could, what you had to do, to survive the loss. My point is this; you never are truly alone in the world anymore. Even when you feel the sheer chill of loneliness, you’ll often feel the arms of a ghost around you, holding you. You won’t have to worry about wanting to share moments with them and telling them about it because they’ll be there right at your side, experiencing the world with you. You had a connection with them that no one else did and neither time nor belief nor loss will separate the love you had for each other. Even when you fall, they’ll wish they were back in the physical bodies to help you back on your feet.

I can promise you, I will speak for them and tell you that they love you. Every day. No matter what. They ARE proud of you, of the length you’ve come to better yourself and better your life. Look at the blessings around and you’ll even see little parts of them, trying to leave you a message. Even if it’s something as simple as they love you and they miss you as much as you miss them.

You’re never alone anymore. Nor were you ever to begin with. Sometimes it just takes one thing to remind you that they’re there.

Live on love, my friend. Show the world your warmth and never give up on yourself. You can accomplish amazing things with just your own two hands.

With love
Oliver.

My wish on 11/11

Man. I just can’t get my head out of this funk.

Everyone says I need to focus on myself and care for myself and all the other pieces fall into place but I don’t believe in fate or destiny entirely. They say ‘if she was truly the one, she’ll come back around’ but I can’t help but feel like I’m walking a thin line of friendship with her. It hurts so bad.
I don’t know what I want more – Her back or her friendship? I mean, then again, why is it even an issue? I shouldn’t have to fight so hard for her to continue to get disinterested and cut me off entirely. I really think her friend is manipulating her… And it sucks and I’ve been crying over her for the past few days. Can’t I please just find a girl I can be happy with? I mean solidly. Like, we get the mutual tingles when we talk to each other. When we first meet, we’re both really nervous that we end up dropping shit when we’re trying to maintain our composure.
She and I had that and I had to turn around and mess that up because I had to start focusing on me and not trying making something out of the early stages of us being together. I still have her texts saved in my old phone from when she was head over heels for me, telling me how I was cute and beautiful every day. No one else’s opinion affected me as much as hers did. And now, I don’t even talk to her and I really feel like she wishes I would just back off…. I’m not sure how much more I can back off when it comes to me not really talking to you.
I know I shouldn’t care and I’ve been through this shit before with my ex-fiancee. I can’t control the choices she makes. I can only fight a one sided battle for so long. I’m done trying to fight for her back. I’m tired. I really am.
Don’t get me wrong. If she should walk through the doors right now and asked to start again, I would say yes before she could even finish her sentence. I know what I did wrong. I do. And I know to never do it again. I want her attention back to bad… Or someone just was wonderful to come along soon to give me what I’ve been feeling about her and my ex-fiancee. I’m tired and restless and this is getting tiresome and really hitting my ego.

My wish; I want her back. I wish she would give me another chance. And I wish that she would feel that spark and addiction for me all over again like she did before. I don’t know what else to say. I fixed myself. I’m better. I am. I know I am. I wish I could have her in my arms again and rely on me like she had before… Please… She made me so happy.

Samhain Thoughts

I am a child of Aphrodite, as much as I deny and fight it. My life is rules by love. My heart must have a focus, it must have a source to pour my emotions into. I don’t feel complete without someone by my side (not in the sense of I can’t be complete without them, but I know I’m supposed to be with someone). I envy those happy couples and family units, wishing I could find a girlfriend of my own. I try to live my life by logic but it’s often easily flushed out by emotions and following my heart, which often leads to getting hurt much more.

I don’t fit in with most groups. I tend to open up to almost anyone who will listen which makes me seem I try to get sympathy out of others. I relate to people by telling them stories about myself, when I know they couldn’t care less. I make things about me and I absolutely don’t mean to. It’s never my intention.

Last night reminded me that it’s all okay. Being a wreck over a heartbreak is okay. Being a little envious is okay because it sometimes makes for the best jokes ( Michele Griffin ;D ). Crying into shoulders and babbling about how much you care about someone and miss them is okay. And the big one; BEING LOVED FOR BEING A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL IS OKAY!

I’m an old soul because of all of this. I don’t want to settle down but I don’t want to spend years looking for that one person. I’m almost 23, but I love like I’m an elder. The spirit of a child and the soul of a crone. It will always be a conflict until I can hold the hand of someone I’m deeply in love with. But with my family, they know. And they treat it no differently, treat me no differently. I really needed to see you guys last night and I’m so glad I did. I’m willing to bet I’d be much more of a wreck had I not visited.

Let’s talk Aspergers

Well, okay. Psych majors – I get it. I was one too. Asperger’s Syndrome isn’t a thing that exists anymore and it’s just ‘high-functioning autism’ now, but when people say autistic, truly, what do you think? I never honesty understood what it meant to be autistic myself until I discovered that, more than likely, I have it. I don’t say that as a detrimental thing that happened to my life. Gods, no. Does it make living life hard? Well yeah. It has it’s moments. It explains why I acted the way I did when I was a kid and explains how and why I act the way I do now.
Sometimes that means I have to skip out on concerts, events and hanging out with friends because it gets too loud and too crowded (which is why I have my Zombers. He’s gonna help with all of that) or trying to maintain my composure in public even though the lights are way to bright and I want to throw things and no one seems to understand why I’m asking them to quiet down for just a minute.  Sometimes it’s getting mad at the smallest, stupidest noises for no explainable reason than it just pisses you off.
But at the same time. It also means catching patterns in the way people play Magic; the Gathering. It means studying relentlessly on something just because it interests you. Staying up all hours of the night just because there’s so much more to learn about how to play a video game (personal experience. One of my friends got me into playing Destiny and I suck at first person shooter games. RPGs are more my thing. But dammit. I’m learning the controls and she’s been praising me when ‘I kill a thing’ and it makes me happy). It also means finding pleasures in the small things people do for you because you’ve spent your entire life being the ‘weird’ kid. So when someone does something nice for you, just because and they aren’t doing it because they feel sorry for you, it wells up so much that you can be on what I call a ‘happy high’ for days. Even just over something so silly as ‘Good job Miyu! You killed a thing!!’ (Video game speak of course). It means that when your girlfriend gives you a present she’s been working on just because she wanted to do something for you, it feels like getting a gift from the gods themselves.

No, it’s not all bad. And I’m a terrible person sometimes that I dwell on what’s wrong with me and that because I’m bad for seeing the world differently instead of trying to realise that the way I see the world, is probably one of the best ways to see it. You can see everything! The good, the bad. The good intentions turned bad, and the bad intentions turned good. But somehow still able to get up in the morning and seeing the blessings.
So the T.V. is also playing in the back ground so I’m not 100% sure if the stuff I’m writing is making sense. I hope it is.

What I was going to say. My point. My tl;dr.
I found an article on Facebook called ’50 Important Facts of having Mild Autism’. It really conveys the way I, and many others like me, see the world. It makes company feel a little less harsh. It is kind of nice and flows really well (I think. It might just be because I know where the author is coming from).

I’ll provide a link below, but I want you guys to read it. Not just to know me but if you ever come across a friend, a child, or some other person doing something odd or ‘weird’, you can know a little better where they’re coming from and how hard they’re working to try to understand you.

Linky link.
And now I bid you all adieu. Enjoy the day. Celebrate the little things. Hug your mom and/or dad. Annoy your sibling/s. And last but not least, be well and find the treasures in every day.
~Me

Oh my…

Wow.
So I like how I said I was going to keep up on this every day and suddenly, amidst all the moving, I completely forgot this thing existed.
I apologise for anyone who’s been wanting to keep up.

~

So nothing’s changed… and yet everything’s changed. I’m moved (albeit not completely) into my own place and I’m waiting to hear back from a job interview I got a call about a couple weeks back. The manager is off for vacation this week (well… Not this week. This past week was his vacation) and I should be hearing back soon. What In wouldn’t give to finally be able to relax a little bit and actually somehow find the motivation to unpack things. I have a lot I have to sort through and a lot to ‘goodwill’ out. I mean shoot. You can’t expect your old clothes from a year ago to fit after losing 52lbs (not to brag but this is HUGE for me…. A hehe ^^;; )
I’ve continued my counseling appointments and they’ve been going well, I guess. I feel better, yeah, but I’m not feeling like I’m making progress. I’m not sure why. We’ve been confronting a lot of my D.I.D issues and I guess I’m just not used to facing my demons. Nor do I really want to. It scares me to think that I’d be getting rid of them… IF I get rid of them. I know one or two have to go but the other ones? Ehhh… I’m not sure.
I’ve also been trying to get my head out of my heart and get over my ex-girlfriend. We’re still friends, she says, and I’m cool with that. I just don’t like being wired to not be single. I’m kind of wishing… hoping we turn the page and can start over, but for some reason deep down, I feel like I keep ruining that chance.
Baahh.. I guess I shouldn’t be worried about it. Just… sucks feeling alone and disposable. And knowing that I’m probably never going to get over that feeling terrifies me.
~
My mom came over a few days back too. It was nice catch up and seeing her again. Considering it was 17 years. Hmmmnnnyeah. Just a TAD bit of catching up. Just a little. Also dealt with my ex-fiancee a little bit. Her birthday was the day before my mom came up and I kinda got some stuff I’ve been cultivating off my chest and I don’t feel really… as hateful. I’m kind of, apathetic. I’d gladly be friends with her but I guess I’ve accepted the fact that more than likely, that’s not going to happen. /shrug/ I tried. Can’t say I didn’t.

What else is there about life to tell you guys…? I’m making friends, I guess is a good one. I’m not isolating myself down here like I thought I would. My ex’s family is still welcoming me with open arms, which is wonderful. I have a family to celebrate the holidays with. And I hope I”m not jinxing it by saying this but, it actually seems like this one is going to stick around. I’m not 100% but I’m sure as hell more confident than I was.

Well, I guess that’s all for now. KAYBAI

Day 2

Yeah I know. The title is so original.

I just got back from the title agency… thing… which is good news. I’m getting out of this hotel and nto my own place. I can have my fur babies with me. Yay. All’s left is to get my note from Dr. Jill about Zombie training to be my SD (service dog) and we’re good to go.
I also saw her today – Dr. Jill. I guess it wasn’t bad, all things considered. All things being this; It’s my Oma’s (Grandma’s) birthday.

My Oma was a HUGE influence in my life, little as she stayed. When I grew up, around her I knew love. With her I knew happiness. I wouldn’t have to fear for my life, like I did when I was with my father. She was my comfort and my home. Every day I’d come home from school and she’s have veggies and ranch and a teacup of ice cream set and ready for me. It was tradition.

She would have been 89 today.

She passed almost 14 years ago and for some reason – though I know her cancer wasn’t my fault – I feel a bit guilty. As a child, she hid her pain so well. She fought to get up every day until she died to live her life as if nothing was wrong. I always admired that strength but it was also really blinding to her issues. She was and still is the stronger person I know. And I really don’t think anything is going to change that.

I’ve also had my most recent ex on my mind a lot lately. I mean, there’s no explaining why. Just have. I miss her a lot. But I guess she made her decision. Just gotta find someone I match up with better, I guess.
I covered a lot of stuff in counseling. Sort of. It wasn’t as varied as it normally is. It was kind of all over the place. I read journal entries, explained a concept in one of my favourite shows, went over emotional stuff. Y’know. Normal session stuff. Nothing too spectacular.

It was nice getting out of the hotel for the day and just kind of hanging out. The lady I’m buying the trailer from is slowly turning into a friend and I like her a lot. She’s super cool (That’s right. That’s you Amber.)

I mean… I don’t know what else to say other than that and ‘Happy Birthday, Oma.’ /shrugs/ I’m really wrapped up in my head and also getting over a cold. I’m not 100% sure of what’s going on.

Oh well. Be back tomorrow.
Ollie

Let’s Get to Know Each Other

Alright.
So let me introduce myself.
I’m Amanda, but everyone calls me Ollie or Oliver.
I have anxiety, depression, autism, dissociative identity disorder and possibly still post-traumatic stress disorder.

Honestly, this list can go on for a while.
My point;
I’m in therapy again. And I started a personal journal for some of my more confidential thoughts and feelings to cover in sessions.
But this. Let me explain this.

I’m a huge fan of BBC Sherlock and if you haven’t watched it before (no seriously, go watch it now), it opens with John Watson having flashbacks to the war in Afghanistan. A few scenes afterwards, he’s in a therapy session and his therapist mentions something about making a blog and how he’ll feel better if he records everything that happened to him.

And here comes the name of my blog; He says ‘Nothing happens to me.’
And I’m following her advice. I’m going to try to do this too. Especially if it can help people.

Anyway. Back to introductions. I’m 22 years old, living in Cincinnati, originally from Norwalk, OH area and my heart is set in Columbus. Yeah, it gets a little complicated. If we like labels, I’m a homoromantic demisexual (translation; I’m romantically attracted to females, for lack of a better word because yay PC, and I can only truly be sexually attracted to someone if there’s a strong emotional bond with them.), but if we DON’T like labels, but want to keep things simple, I’m a lesbian.
I have a 5 month old puppy who I am training to be my service dog (various reasons. Psychiatric, sugar, autism, etc) named Zombie and a 2 year old cat named Artful Dodger (please tell me someone gets this).
I like playing Magic; the Gathering, Cards Against Humanity and other useless nerdy games that don’t accomplish much. I’m trying my hand at getting into video games but that is currently at a stand still until I can get my own internet (My Xbox won’t hook up to the hotel internet. FetitaLup if you guys wanna add me ;D) and I also run my own, personal art commission business, CyberPsych Artistry.
In these posts, there will be various posts; my feelings about my recovery, progress made in counseling, events that happened to me, things on my mind or things that had drastically affected my mood throughout the day, and other things of the like. I’m going to do my best to update this every day so I can get myself into some sort of schedule. Yes, I will miss days, or maybe weeks sometimes. Should things get too bad, I will try my best to update at least once a month. I don’t see that entirely impossible.

I guess I’ll wrap it up here. Thanks for reading guys and I hope to hear from you all soon.
Blessed Be
Ollie