Man. I just can’t get my head out of this funk.
Everyone says I need to focus on myself and care for myself and all the other pieces fall into place but I don’t believe in fate or destiny entirely. They say ‘if she was truly the one, she’ll come back around’ but I can’t help but feel like I’m walking a thin line of friendship with her. It hurts so bad.
I don’t know what I want more – Her back or her friendship? I mean, then again, why is it even an issue? I shouldn’t have to fight so hard for her to continue to get disinterested and cut me off entirely. I really think her friend is manipulating her… And it sucks and I’ve been crying over her for the past few days. Can’t I please just find a girl I can be happy with? I mean solidly. Like, we get the mutual tingles when we talk to each other. When we first meet, we’re both really nervous that we end up dropping shit when we’re trying to maintain our composure.
She and I had that and I had to turn around and mess that up because I had to start focusing on me and not trying making something out of the early stages of us being together. I still have her texts saved in my old phone from when she was head over heels for me, telling me how I was cute and beautiful every day. No one else’s opinion affected me as much as hers did. And now, I don’t even talk to her and I really feel like she wishes I would just back off…. I’m not sure how much more I can back off when it comes to me not really talking to you.
I know I shouldn’t care and I’ve been through this shit before with my ex-fiancee. I can’t control the choices she makes. I can only fight a one sided battle for so long. I’m done trying to fight for her back. I’m tired. I really am.
Don’t get me wrong. If she should walk through the doors right now and asked to start again, I would say yes before she could even finish her sentence. I know what I did wrong. I do. And I know to never do it again. I want her attention back to bad… Or someone just was wonderful to come along soon to give me what I’ve been feeling about her and my ex-fiancee. I’m tired and restless and this is getting tiresome and really hitting my ego.
My wish; I want her back. I wish she would give me another chance. And I wish that she would feel that spark and addiction for me all over again like she did before. I don’t know what else to say. I fixed myself. I’m better. I am. I know I am. I wish I could have her in my arms again and rely on me like she had before… Please… She made me so happy.
'Nothing Happens to Me' - John Watson 